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“We Wuz Noble Savages”

How Losing Your Land Because of Firewater Earns You the Sympathy of Self-Hating Whites

“My name translates into “He Who Conquers Many Bottles of Fireball”


        Thanksgiving season is upon us once again, and just as a well-intentioned inb4 to what we’re going to see from the metapolitical Twitterati, I felt that it would only be appropriate to give everyone a comprehensive education into our most revered, most sacred original people. In retrospect, if you look at it, we as White people truly are to blame- we took away their time honored traditions of genociding rival tribes and rampant cases of incest, and in return, we gave them guaranteed land where they could rule as they please and the ability to run casinos that Uncle Sam couldn’t take proceeds from- A tragedy which no other group on the face of the Earth could lay claim to.

       One of the things you will inevitably run into in life are self-important twats who have never faced something that demands anything from them in terms of effort or sacrifice. They have never been on the absolute wrong side of public opinion; nor have they ever found themselves in a position where they have to be on the side of a position that is considered “unpopular”. To substitute for the lack of any legitimate struggle in their life, these NPC’s opt to draw on their elementary-school education to try to understand what being the underdog feels like.

       “I learned about the Trail of Tears in 4th grade. You’ve never debated anyone like me before”

       Ironically enough, and possibly by design, one of the things we didn’t learn in elementary school as it pertains to the holiday of Thanksgiving was the fact that all we have been taught was expressed from the perspective of some featherhead brown people who were too busy genociding each other to bother to come up with their own written language. However, one side of the argument that was completely overlooked were the trials and tribulations of the thousands of White European settlers that were fleeing some fake and gay shit that the Church of England were trying to get them to go along with. While yours truly here doesn’t quite dabble in matters of religion, that will make this article that much easier to write!

       Okay, so, now that we are done with that gay preachy shit, let’s move onto a bit of a simplified timeline that shows our foundations.

  • 1607- The first colony is established in Jamestown, VA by British settlers after King James took a lesson from Spanish exploration of the continent and their subsequent return of resources and unique riches. The voyage was sponsored by (((affulent))) companies looking to whet their overly-large beaks.
  • 1620- The Puritan movement which had formed in England (The term “Puritan” is actually based on their original sect mission of purifying the Church of England. Based.), colloquially known as the Pilgrims, land in the US, and from here, shit really starts to kick into high gear.
  • 1621- The Pilgrims establish an alliance with the Wampanoag. They pick up some key tidbits of advice from the Wampanoag regarding the land. Luckily, through some kind of divine intervention, they manage to filter out the parts that involve raping their own daughters, smoking wild plants that have no medical use, and engaging in random acts of warfare for sport.
  • 1621 and on- Manifest destiny, smallpox blankets, and alcohol addiction, or some shit.

      After this critical decade-and-a-half time period, naturally the English government said “Okay, we can probably send more people over there”, and that they did. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. We cultivated crops, established societies, engaged in trade… life was good by that time’s standards. We developed wooden houses and cabins in a relatively short time. Our feather-headed friends, despite having a lot of exposure to our civilization and what it had to offer, remained in teepees made of over-hunted animal skins and 6″-or-less diameter sticks.


                                                                        “Your nation on HeyaHoya vs. your nation when IT’S FUCKIN COLD OUT DER”

        So, enough about the past, let’s go to the present. As if you’re not going to hear enough bleeding-heart griping from people who have nothing better to do, there’s one more bonus holiday you may hear about on the day after Thanksgiving- Native American Heritage Day. Deliberately scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving, and ratified under the Bush administration, this day is primarily intended for us to commemorate how all the food we ate the day before wasn’t able to be domesticated by the feathernigs (except for corn- gotta give credit where credit is due). It’s also known as Black Friday to the rest of us who honestly don’t give a shit. Despite having nothing to do with niggers, it is a wonderful day to observe plenty of niggerish behavior. The day after spending time with our families and giving thanks for all we’ve done and how far we’ve come, naturally, is followed by a day where we are meant to go out and sacrifice a couple human lives in the inevitable stampedes that will take place as people rush into their nearest big-box store to score a deal on some cheap product. This is considered to be the unofficial start to the Christmas season. And what better way to kick off that time than by trampling others to death?

Pic Related: We commemorate the memory of the Native Americans by killing and wounding each other for stupid reasons

         One of the coolest facts about the Indians is that, oddly enough, the one thing they excelled at was killing each other in really unique and creative ways, and doing it very, very frequently. Scalpings, dismemberment, burnings while still alive- you name it, our feathered friends did it- to colonists and other tribes alike. Some in recent history have tried to paper over or glorify the resulting image of these tribes by utilizing the “Noble Savage” imagery, which aims to paint a respectful picture of your average Indian, glorifying what they call a “warrior culture”. Which sounds pretty bad-ass on its face, but in reality, the tribes would wage war over pretty much anything, regardless of need or strategy. I guess by that mindset, those 13% of our population who commit over 50% of violent crimes aren’t simply just niggers- they have a “warrior culture”!

         Either way it works out for you and yours as you go into Thanksgiving, hopefully this article gave you a couple of good talking points should (G-d forbid) allow you to stave off anyone who wants to ruin the holiday with talks of colonialism, oppression, genocide, et cetera. Funnily enough, all it takes to get some people to stop talking is just to put a little bit of your autism on display and talk about some of the small points above. Enjoy your Thanksgiving everyone! Stay away from the dark meat- it’s not good for you, like most things dark in the world- and use this opportunity to re-connect and be happy with the rest of your family. And stay the FUCK away from stores on Friday!

‘Gobble Gobble’, said the autistic turkey as he flapped his arms rapidly.


Jay Go
I write articles.

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