A short look into the poopdick confessionals of a normal, well-adjusted human being.
Jay Go, Writer- Hyphen-Journal
Hopefully you’re not reading this at lunchtime. As if anyone needed another excuse to get the hell off of Twitter, welcome, dear reader, to our perfectly-timed, extremely spoopy (literally) Halloween edition of “What The Fuck Did I Just Read?” Drink some water and clench up, because just like the walking worm farms in this encounter, we’re going in raw! It all starts with a seemingly innocuous (by Twitter standards) statement.
I’m not afraid, just disgusted
Seems normal for Twitter, right? Pay your daily tithe to globohomo, receive some token upcummies from your scant followers so they can receive their secondhand dopamine hit as well. While OP is most definitely a fag, in terms of what you come into contact with in the Twitter-sphere, it’s pretty par-for-the-course. All sane people, ignore and keep scrolling… nothing to see here.
OH GOD OH FUCK NONONONONO
Of course, just keep in mind that this only affects “bottoms”. So, therefore, nothing to be worried about, right? “I started taking dicks in my ass when I was just getting my learner’s permit, and by the time I was legally allowed to buy alcohol I was already unable to hold my shit in”. But as our courageous specimen goes on to state, it is simply a minor inconvenience. Totally worth it. Absolutely Based and Wormpilled. At this point, one may get the sense that this thread is about to go off the rails, probably to the chagrin of the OP. If you’re one of those people, you’d be right.
Weird Flex, but OK
Of course, the only logical explanation for this affliction is, as we are accustomed to hearing, that the degenerate in question was “born this way”. No, it’s not the fact that you had an average of one dick a month in your ass while your body was supposed to be growing and developing instead of getting torn apart. It’s because you were born with a “naturally weak hole”. You know, just like everyone else! And, to add further to the tragic nature of this, it all happened before our friend Brian was even able to experience his first fist or baseball bat! I guess we still have yet to truly understand the injustices the LGBTQP+ community suffer on a daily basis. Luckily, they’re always there to support each other and offer advice :
Sorry, Mom. I’m an overachiever.
Imagine not being able to live up to the already-heavily-reduced expectations of your clearly disappointed mother. So hot. At some point or another she came to terms with the fact that you’ll be lucky to make it into your 60s- you’re lucky enough if you make it into your 50’s. And you are literally SUCH A FAG that you managed to move that timetable up into your 30’s. That type of production must be why corporate offices across the US are tripping over themselves to get you degenerate ass-munchers into their cubicles. Props to you!
Bro-Fist! Pun intended.
After reading this far, you’re probably at the same point as some other people in the thread- “This is too bizarre for me to believe”. Such an incredulous reaction is completely understandable if you haven’t read or heard previous stories accounting for the crazy amount of damage this disgusting behavior causes to your body. Thankfully, Brian is still here to make sure you’re not worried if you’re considering putting your own body through similar abuse. While putting on his best possible internet bitch voice impression as he can, he advises those who can’t believe his story that yes, this is expected, normal, and probably not that big of a problem.
Fun Fact: Shitting yourself is a minor inconvenience!
After pulling a leaky-asshole Chad Yes meme on the rest of the thread, some people decide to come in and sound off, angry at the fact that Brian is destroying his body. Brian, probably still high on poppers at this point, draws a false-unequivalence between doing drugs and getting plowed in the ass. The mental contortions taking place begin to become almost disorienting.
Ever wondered how the brain of the Gayrace works?
If there’s one thing that, after going through all of this, we should all be able to appreciate, it’s that this dumpster-fire of a thread serves well to confirm all of the biases held by a mentally healthy person; and that of course is that our friend Brian’s brain has been so thoroughly re-wired and corrupted to the point where a normal person would read his comment above here as a joke. But to someone with the mental damage Brian has, the statement makes perfect sense. To your average poopdick appreciator, there is no difference between a drug that sets off a cocktail of pleasure chemicals in your brain, and the experience of having the muscles that comprise the inside of your rectum stretch, torn, and scarred.
Pic Related: Brian’s Rectum vs. a sane person’s, Illustrated with Pumpkins.
Damage to Pumpkin 1 is not representative of actual scale, and is probably worse IRL.
Finally, it’s over. Nobody knows what happened to Brian after the close of this thread, but it could safely be assumed that the giardia bacteria has already found its home and it is just a matter of time until nature takes its course to the logical conclusion. If for some reason, thanks to the pharmaceutical industry’s all-too-willingness to develop medications to help promote and artificially reduce “risk” from this shitty lifestyle, Brian manages to make it til his 50’s or 60’s… one fact will remain:
Nobody’s gonna be able to fix this 🙁
One of the things we love to do here at the Hyphen-Journal is have fun. Although the nature of the hellscape and general clownworld surrounding us can sometimes be too much to bear, the one lesson we can take from instances such as these is that while yes, they are gross, off-putting, and downright disgusting and degenerate, we can simultaneously find a silver lining. Something that allows us to sit back, read a very thematically relevant article such as this one, have a couple laughs, and rest easy knowing that GloboHomo’s futile attempts to transcend natural law will never cease to keep producing stories like this one.
I’m pretty sure this was a boss character in Turok.
What makes it even funnier is that this single interaction doesn’t even need to be true. Brian could be a troll, posting just to chap some asses of some random fags on social media. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. We all still know that even if this story isn’t true, it’s still happening. Nothing says “you will never be a woman” like a trickling reminder flowing down the side of your diapers, fags!
The lengths some people will go to avoid spending time with women…